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When friends are out of town, jokes are the next best thing

Over the years, I've received more jokes through email than I thought possible. Some of them were more memorable than others, but please take a look at the joys of humor.

The GOP National Committee announced today that it is changing the Republican emblem from an elephant to a condom because it more clearly reflects the party's political stance: A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russian shave never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse

*7 have been arrested for fraud

*19 have been accused of writing bad checks

*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses

*3 have been arrested for assault

*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

*8 have been arrested for shoplifting

*21 are current defendants in lawsuits

*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is? No it's not the old RSO.

Give up?

It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count,
I will simply throw them out!

I will not let this vote count stand
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!

Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun
Let's count them upside down this time
Let's count them until the state is mine!

I will not let this VOTE count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit!
You have not heard the last of it!
I'll count the ballots one by one
And hold each one up to the sun!
I'll count, recount, and count some more!
You'll grow to hate this little chore

But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here!
I've glued my desk chair to my rear!
Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too,
All telling me that I should sue!
We find the Electoral College vile!
RECOUNT the votes until I smile!

We do not want this vote to stand!
We do not like it, AL GORE I am!

How shall we count this ballot box?
Let's count it standing in our socks!
Shall we count this one in a tree?
And who shall count it, you or me?
We cannot, cannot count enough!
We must not stop, we must be tough!

I do not want this vote to stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

What's that? What? What are you trying to say?
You think the current count should stay?
You do not like my counting scheme?
It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams?
Foolish people, you're wrong you'll see!
Your only care should be for me!

I will not let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, and AL GORE I am!

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms.Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

"The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

28. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

29. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

30. How is it possible to have a civil war?

31. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

32. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

33. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

34. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

35. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

36. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

37. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

38. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

39. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

40. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

41. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
-Dave Barry

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?
-Larry Miller

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
-Marilyn Pittman

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
-Robin Williams

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.
-Christopher Case

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
-Bob Ettinger

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.
-Conan O'Brien

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
-Sue Murphy

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
-Rita Mae Brown

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
-Richard Jeni

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
-Johnny Carson

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
-Paul Rodriguez

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
-Jerry Seinfeld

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
-Lily Tomlin

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
-George Carlin

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-Rita Rudner

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
-Sue Kolinsky

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
-Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like fries with that?"
-Jay Leno

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-Dave Edison

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.
-William Coronel

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-Oscar Wilde

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

A third grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. Their insight may surprise you...

Better to be safe than...Punch a 5th grader.

Strike While the...Bug is close.

It's always darkest before...Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of ...Termites.

You can lead a horse to water but...how?

Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.

No news is...impossible.

A miss is as good as a...Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new...math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll...stink in the morning.

Love all, trust...me.

The pen is mightier than the...pigs.

An idle mind is...The best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's...Pollution.

Happy the bride who...gets all the presents.

A penny saved is...not much.

Two's company, three's...the Musketeers.

Don't put off tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as...Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed...get new batteries.

You get out of something what you...see pictured on the box.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

Why do we say something 'is out of whack'? What's a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them. But if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you have to touch it to be sure?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older,then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail men could look for them while they delivered the mail?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

These announcements were found in temple newsletters and bulletins.

• Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg Shabbat. Prayer and medication to follow.
  
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
  
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  
• We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
  
• Thursday at 5:00PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his private study.
  
• The ladies of Haddassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
  
• A bean supper will be held Wed. evening in the community center. Music will follow.
  
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
  
• Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.
  
• Mrs. Glodblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
  
• The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
  
• Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
  
• We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
  
• If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!
  
• The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips

I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now

Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich

Liberal Arts Major....Will Think for Food

Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen

Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law

Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener

If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You

Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade

A Day Without Sunshine is Like................Night

Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's Just One of the Risks You Take To Live Here

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer-holder.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

God must love stupid people...He made SO many of them. (AMEN!!!)

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Keep honking while I reload.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.

If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Put 'eat chocolate' at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

REMEMBER:'Stressed' spelled backward is 'desserts'. Send this to four friends and you will lose two pounds. Send this to all the friends you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds. If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. That's why I had to pass this on --I didn't want to risk it, and I figured the more who knew about this wonderful new vegetable, the more all can share in the joy!!

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Making the effort to not pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: A source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed

The hardest years in life are those between 10 & 70.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber

Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope & send it to someone.
-Jan King

A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling "Hey, come back here with my breast!"
-Linda Ellerbee

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears.
-Geri Jewell

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow

Laugh & the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought 1/2 as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton

35 is when you finally get your head together & your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me all at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine Aird

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss... & they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley

Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of coffee.
-Stephanie Piro

Making a woman happy. . . the point system! In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. Do something she expects, and you don't get any points.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES:

You make the bed.............................................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the little decorative pillows.............0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets......................................-1
You leave the toilet seat up.................................................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty..................................0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex....................-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom..........................-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings......................+5
In the snow.......................................................................................+8
But return with beer...........................................................................-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night................................................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing....................................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..............................+5
You pummel it with a six iron.............................................................+10
It's her pet.........................................................................................-10

Social Engagements:

PARTY:

You stay by her side the entire party..................................................... ..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy ....................................................................... -2
Named Tiffany.....................................................................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer................................................................................-6
Tiffany has implants..............................................................................-8

HER BIRTHDAY:

You take her out to dinner.......................................................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...................................+1
Okay, it is a sports bar............................................................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...................................................................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team..................................................-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:

Go with a pal.........................................................................................-5
The pal is happily married......................................................................-4
Or frighteningly single...........................................................................-7
And he drives a Mustang........................................................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)........................................-15

A NIGHT OUT:

You take her to a movie...........................................................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes..............................................................+4
You take her to a movie you hate..............................................................+6
You take her to a movie you like...............................................................-2
It's called Death Cop 3.............................................................................-3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans.....................................................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.................................-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE:

You develop a noticeable potbelly.............................................................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.....................+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..............................................................-30
You say,"It doesn't matter, you have one too."...........................................-800

THE BIG QUESTION:

She asks, "Do I look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.......................................................................-10
You reply, "Where?"...............................................................................-35
Any other response..................................................................................-20

COMMUNICATION:

When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression...............................................0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.................................................................+5
You listen, for over 30 minutes, without looking at the TV.......................+100
She realizes you have fallen asleep...........................................................-200

"Yes" = No

"No" = Yes

"Maybe" = No

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now

"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.

"We need to talk" = I need to complain.

"We need to talk" = I want to brake up with you.

"Sure....... ... go ahead" = I don't want you to.

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs.

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house.

"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

"I heard a noise" =I noticed you were almost asleep.

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're not going to really like me

"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.

"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me.

"Are you listening to me?" = [Too late, you're dead.]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.

"I'm tired" = I'm tired.

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage" = I want to fondle you

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex now.

"I love you too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"We need to talk" = I want to break up with you.

"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

Dear Help Desk,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. Please help!

--Desperate

_______________________________________

Dear Desperate,

Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME and then install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a virus that will create "Snoring Loudly" WAV sound files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance.

I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3

--Help Desk

General motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers. But imagine if they did....
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!
HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
HelpLine: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: How do I know?
HelpLine: There is a little guage on the front panel with a needle and markings from "E" to "F". Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: It's pointing to "E". What does that mean?
HelpLine: It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.
Customer: What?!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Your cars suck!
HelpLine: What's wrong?
Customer: It crashed, that's what's wrong!
HelpLine: What were you doing?
Customer: I wanted it to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!
HelpLine: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?
Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!"

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.
HelpLine: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer: How do I work it?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know how to what?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!

Once upon a time, in a land far away a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed froglegs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:

"...I don't fucking think so."

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually have said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Don't miss the last one:-)

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
=========
Q: This myasthenia gratis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
=========
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five. I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
=========
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Jennifer.
=========
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
=========
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
=========
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
=========
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
=========
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
=========
Q: She had three children right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
=========
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
=========
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
=========
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
=========
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
=========
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
=========
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
=========
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

How to Identify Where a Driver is From...

A. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

B. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

C. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

D. One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. (With gun in lap: L.A.)

E. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

F. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

G. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

H. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

I. One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

J. One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome . 38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

K. Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia

L. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 15 mph on the state highway and city streets in the left lane with the left blinker on: Altus, OK

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it."Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!"Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

After a 2-year study, the National Science Foundation has determined the following results on corporate America's recreational activities:

The sport of choice for unemployed or jailed people is BASKETBALL.
The sport of choice for maintenance employees is BOWLING.
The sport of choice for line workers is FOOTBALL.
The sport of choice for Supervisors is BASEBALL.
The sport of choice for Middle Management is TENNIS.
And finally, the sport of choice for Upper Management is GOLF.

CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.


TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks big dick.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank You,

Human Resources

 

Back to Index

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, okay? Well, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and I now can see almost normally and I only get those sick headaches once a week. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't exactly set the date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me as a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily. I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, has ambitions. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too, for I hear that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he comes. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire. I do not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital. I am not pregnant. I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no black man in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science class and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter

Back to Index

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."

1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Back to Index

NEW YORK, February 2 - The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English - now dubbed Hebonics - as a second language. Backers of the move say the city's School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.

According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question -- plus a complaint that is implied or stated.

 Thus,

• 'How are you?' may be answered,
  • 'How should I be, with my feet?'"

Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning:

• "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning:

• "It's beautiful, that dress."

Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as 'He's slow as a turtle, could be:

• "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."

Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On Hebonics.

• Question: "What time is it?"
  • English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
    Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"
• Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
  • English response: "Thanks."
    Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"
• Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
  • English response: "Be right there."
    Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
• Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time."
  • English response: "Glad you like it."
    Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?"
• Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
  • English response: "Congratulations!"
    Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."
• Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
  • English answer: "Just say when."
    Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"
• To guest of honor at his birthday party:
  • English remark: "Happy birthday."
    Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."
• Remark: "A beautiful day."
  • English response: "Sure is."
    Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"
• Answering a phone call from son: English remark: "It's been a long time since you called."
  Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

  Back to Index

   

  If Santa answered his mail honestly...

   

Dear Santa

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,

BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

----------

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love,

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

----------

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love,

Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

----------

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,

Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.

Santa

----------

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,

Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.

Santa

----------

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend,

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

----------

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,

like in the song?

Love,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

----------

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE

could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

----------

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love,

Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here. 

I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people. 

Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. 

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road. 

The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken. 

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it 

The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV. 

To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American. 

I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross. 

No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price  dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. 

Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the  liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." 

Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told! 

To die. In the rain. Alone. 

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. 

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. 

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it  experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its  life-long dream of crossing the road. 

Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace. (particularly funny when you sing it)

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. 

It was an historical inevitability. 

I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it. 

What chicken? I don't remember any chicken.

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. 

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? 

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. 

I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. 

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? 

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please? 

I missed one?

Memo to all students.

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Students who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING

(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year that, "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only A given.

1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student (ymbacs).

2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match, ymbacs

3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal, ymbacs

4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents, ymbacs

5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles, ymbacs

6. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping, ymbacs

7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (ie. Olympic Dream Team I or II), ymbacs

8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads, ymbacs

9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car, ymbacs

10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one trip), ymbacs

11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light, ymbacs

12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself, ymbacs

Name: Last: First: Suffix:

Home address:

Palm Springs Address:

Height:            Weight:            Bust (if applicable):

Bench Press:   Hair color (natural):

Which of the following body types is nearest to yours (circle one):

mesomorph ectomorph endomorph

(Please ask your doctor if you don't know what these words mean)

Personal bank interest (US and foreign) accrued this past fiscal year:

Are you a football player? If "Yes", please skip to the last line of this application.

Number of hired servants in your household:

Number of slaves:

BMW type: Year:      Model:                             Accessories:

List all of YOUR personal major credit cards:

Estimate your parents' yearly income (round off to the closest $50,000; use exponents if necessary and if you know what they are):

Have you read a book this year? IF "Yes", why?

Have you ever held a job your parents didn't get you? If "Yes", why?

Name five of the United States (for instance, California, New York, Illinois, Texas, Florida):

What is your favorite prime time sitcom?

Which gossip magazines do you read regularly?

Essays: (answer one question)

(1) Have you ever spoken with a Black person? Describe the experience.

(2) You are going to be stranded at a desert resort hotel for three weeks. You will be allowed to bring along only five (5) of your family's servants. Which servants will you bring? Why?

(3) You are trapped in the Beverley Hills I. Magnin for one (1) hour with only ten thousand (10,000) dollars to spend. What will you buy? Why?

If you can, please send along a high school transcript (your grades) and also the enclosed tennis pro recommendation. 8 x 10 gloosy portraits of yourself may be substituted in lieu of (instead of) an official transcript (your grades)

I swear that the information presented is reasonaly accurate:

Signature (that's a messy version of your printed name):

Approximate date:

1. Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.

2. Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.

3. Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.

4. Walk two blocks to go to dinner.

5. Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend's phone number.

6. Dial 9 when calling out of your house.

7. Use your calling card when calling your friends.

8. Walk to the post office to get your mail.

9. Yell "FLUSH!"

10. Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush.

11. Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you're in a stall.

12. Take all your shower items to and from your room.

13. Get dressed in the dark.

14. Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.

15. Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.

16. Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.

17. Order pizza every Friday night.

18. Have one of your friends spend the night because you can't sleep in a room by yourself.

19. Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is too much extra space.

20. Hang pictures of your college friends on the wall so you don't miss them.

21. Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you don't want to go out.

22. Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer lab (e-mail withdrawal).

23. Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack machine and pay phone in the house.