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which increase my productivity at
procrastination
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The Alma Mater:
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Writing
My
Tangents
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I've been writing for as long as I
can remember. I wrote my first poem at ten and have since
written over 80 poems. I've also written a number of things
for school which have turned out well. I tried to categorize
the page, but I'm new at this, so bare with me. As an ode to
my friend Sarah, I ask that you have a super wonderful day
:) .
Some of my poetry:
My Thoughts on
Snow
Stuff I
wrote for school:
(Note: At this
time, I can't get the sources up, hopefully, they'll be here
soon. Sorry for any inconvenience. If you *must* know where
something came from, email
me and I can tell you the source)
Alarm
Clock
Tick, Tick
I just lost a battle
Tick, Tick
I just lost a friend
Tick,Tick
I just lost my trust
Tick, Tick
I just lost respect
Tick, Tick
I just lost my faith
Tick, Tic
I just lost my freedom
Tick, Tick
I just lost my hope
Tick, Tick
I just lost my dream
Tick, Tick
I just lost myself
RING, RING
What's left to lose?
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All My
Life
I spent all my life making everyone
happy, to realize I was still sad,
I spent all my life discovering the good, to realize I still
had the bad.
I spent all my life chasing the dream to realize, the dream
had not been,
I spent all my life saving and gaining to realize, there was
none to spend.
I spent all my life helping the poor to realize I wasn't
rich,
I spent all my life fixing other's mistakes, to realize
there still was a nitch.
I spent all my life curing the sick, to realize I wasn't
well,
I spent all my life keeping secrets and dreams, to realize
there were none to tell.
I spent all my life enduring the blind, to realize there was
nothing to see,
I spent all my life helping the other's, to realize there
was no one but me.
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Audition
I breathe deeply,
In, out, in, out.
My turn come up, here it goes.
The questions are too hard.
I can't live up to those expectations.
I try again,
Like every other time, failure.
I realize I shouldn't need to audition
After all, it's an act.
When I decided to change my act,
I was dumped
Now I know you don't like either one.
If I give up all my acts, will you like me?
I will soon find out.
After all, friendship is freedom,
Isn't it?
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Cave
Dwellers
I once was a cave
dweller.
I lived in darkness,
in shackles,
in ignorance,
In bliss.
There are times when I miss that bliss.
I've heard of some
who've left the cave entirely.
Some who prefer to wither away in their dark alcoves so
Terrified
of the light,
They shut their eyes in protest.
I must admit,
I too close my eyes on occasion
Terrified of the light's path.
I wish I could go back to the time where I knew nothing of
this omniscient glow,
But I can't.
I must walk the
path made invisible by the
Blinding sun
with my eyes
Wide Open.
For if I shield my eyes, I may find myself back in the
cave
In safety
Shut off to something far more precious
Life.
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Change
I'm told there's a new
beginning
With every turn of the season,
A new life
A new way to try and change
Is change what is truly good?
When the flowers bloom, should I become anew?
What if I were to stop the clock at winter,
To keep myself in the dim light of snow and sleet
To stay in the lull between holiday and sun
To embrace monotony?
But we live on an earth that shuns monotony,
So I must release my fears and go with the current
Follow the brightly shining north star and see where I turn
up
No more looking back to the childhood where I would spin in
the endless fields
Where I could sing and laugh and play
I am like a butterfly that must emerge from her cocoon
When I come undone,
I will be free,
Free to be me.
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The
Clock
If Only I could break the ticking
clock,
The controller of my accomplishments.
The ability to stop time, far beyond the reach of our
primitive society.
What if I could turn back time,
Go over my mistakes,
Polish the rough edges,
Assure myself it would all be OK.
How would life be if I could break the clock?
To stop the innocent deaths, to hold on to one final
moment,
The moment it all goes away.
Like leaves in the wind, our hopes, dreams and desires blow
away.
Because I couldn't break that clock.
How would it be if the ticking would stop
Tick, Tick, . . . . . . .
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Deny
It
Smile sweetly,
Pretend there's nothing to hide
Don't show your feelings
Deny it.
Go on living,
Think Happy thoughts
Maintain internal tears
Deny it.
You don't remember
Change the subject,
Don't lose your cool,
Deny it.
Focus,
Study,
Try,
Deny it.
Your head feels fine,
Your stomach's settled
You slept a lot,
Deny it.
Concentrate
That's not why
You are you know,
Deny it.
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Don't Take it
Away
To Be, or Not to Be,
That is the question.
That glimmering statement is my only hope for
survival
To ask the world with such untainted honesty
How one should live his life
It is this
Coupled with the hope that I will one day be
Or not be
To imagine a world in which I could not utter those famous
words
is my true hell
A world without a stage
To not have the spotlight for my fifteen minutes of fame
To not see another performance
So honest, so pure, so real
The horrid thought of one day sacrificing my dream
to satisfy
To satisfy the masses who commend monetary reward
Opposed to spiritual reward
For the entertainer to die unnoticed is like a rose who
could not bloom
Don't oppress that rose,
You never know if she will one day be
Happy.
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Esc
I wish with all my heart that the
esc key were truly an escape. That it were that easy to just
get up and go. To leave without a trace with the push of a
button.
I look next to the esc key and see another key I wish was
real, the undo key. How life would change if with every
mistake we could press undo and try again, but that is not
our world.
I see the clear, the shift, the control, the option, the
return, and I pray that it were as simple as jumping into
that keyboard. But it's not.
I am stuck in this world with no option to control my life.
I cannot shift gears or return home. I can't clear my path
with the push of that damned button, I can just sit and
wait.
I wait for my future to become as clear as an eight ball
fortune. To be contained within a cookie or prescribed by
the stars.
I wish I had faith in something right now. In myself, in my
family, in my life. I wish and I hope and I pray and it does
nothing. I can't escape my past, present or future, but oh
lord, how I wish I could esc into that keyboard.
(Written 3/14/00)
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Fear
The innocent flowing waters of a
calmly sitting brook.
Disturbed by an unsettling feeling.
The feeling of an inner peace being destroyed.
Your innocence has left, the shield has returned.
We are no longer vulnerable to the world's unknowing
gifts.
We are creatures of fear and hate,
Unable to distinguish between happy and sad.
Moving away from the seemingly innocent brook, we are being
watched.
Our guard has come up,
Far be it for someone to see the true self you so
painstakingly hide.
Don't worry about the one you don't know is watching
you,
They are not your enemy, it is the ones you know are
watching you to be afraid of.
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Guilt
Bless me father for I have
sinned,
I cannot utter this statement,
because in my heart I do not believe it.
I have no relief for my sins,
I have to face them head on.
I feel guilty for what I have done,
I have hurt a poor, unsuspecting soul,
myself
I feel guilty that I am sad
Of all the crimes in the world
Of all the horror we must face
Of all the tragedy we must clean up
I find myself in the depths of despair.
What is despair?
Is it what we have lead ourselves to believe?
Am I justified in my pain?
Must I live a lie so as not to feel the guilt?
The guilt of a perfect life torn apart
The guilt that I am not torn apart
The pain that I live in paradise,
Yet I am unhappy
I am unwell
I am living a life of an unglued vase
Ready to break any second
But too guilty to just let myself fall apart.
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I once knew a
man
I once knew a man who thought he
knew all,
I once knew a man who was afraid to fall.
I once knew a man who could dream and desire
I once knew a man who was warm as a fire
I once knew a man with a heart full of gold,
I once knew a man who would never grow old.
I once knew a man who feared war,
I once knew a man who thought he knew more.
I once knew a man as sweet as can be,
I once knew a man who once knew me.
I once knew a man who was brave and was tall,
I once knew a man who was no man at all.
I once knew a man who loved the unknown
I once knew a man who saw the unshown.
I once knew a man who created the sun,
I once knew a man who did the undone.
I once knew a man who was young and was gifted
I once knew a man, who never existed.
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If the World Were
Blind
What would happen if the world lost
sight?
How would we survive if the world were blind?
A simple touch, a simple smile, a simple kiss, unnoticed to
our unseeing eyes
If the world were blind, how would we know who to hate?
What would the world do without prejudice.
A simple wink becomes a complicated emotion.
What would we do if the world were blind?
What if I magically lifted that blindfold, revealing a harsh
world, with uncaring eyes
Don't ask for sympathy, don't ask for forgiveness, don't ask
for understanding,
Because the world isn't blind.
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Jail
Cell
I'm in a cage where no one can see
the bars
And though I have the key to the lock
I have hidden it so well that even I have forgotten where it
is
So I sit here, content in my cage and not wanting to escape
anymore.
But you all tell me to just find the key and get out
I've served my term,
Come on, let's go.
Well, it's too late now,
You chided me for my wrong doings
And though you've good intentions,
The intentions don't matter.
It wasn't your fault
You didn't know that my cage would seal itself with time
You didn't know that I was hiding the key in the first
place
But in my own jail cell I will sit
For the mistakes of so long ago,
Because no one knew the door would lock for good.
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Let You
Go
What if I told you I'm
not ready yet?
There are stories I haven't told
There are jokes you haven't heard
There are kids you haven't hugged
I'm not ready to let you go
What if I said you
couldn't leave yet?
You haven't kissed me goodnight
You haven't walked me down the aisle
You haven't come to my baby shower
I'm not ready to let you go
What if I said I didn't
know what to do?
How to go through the day without your voice
How to shop without you there
How to sleep when you're not here
I'm not ready to let you go
What if I admitted that I
was scared?
Afraid of what is to come
Afraid of where you'll go
Afraid of what is long gone
I'm not ready to let you go
What if I promised I'd do
it all
I'd be the perfect girl
I'd sing till daylight falls
I'd call you every night
I'm not ready to let you go
What if you left
anyway
If you went to a place I cannot follow
If you closed your eyes for good
If you laughed your last laugh
Will I have to let you go?
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Losses
I mourn over my losses
So many they are.
I remember the day, the minute, the second
The first time I realized, life was not so simple
The car absent from the driveway
The neglect in the air
The prozac prescription filled
I lost my childhood
The tissues strewn around
The silent cries, unheard to a world so cruel
The blade piercing
The letters written
I lost my innocence
The days no one would speak
The creation ignored
The life I left behind
The test I couldn't pass
The expectation I couldn't fill
I lost my hope
The hours spent unwilling
The "no" so persistent in my mind
The final failed attempt
I lost my passion
For every loss there is a gain,
Realize what you've gained,
Attend to it, you never know when it'll be lost.
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My Poorly Timed
Fall
I don't tell you for the
shame of it.
The immaturity of it all
revels in my youth
as I defy the powers that be
to make me
keep me up I cry
But the depths are curious
And hold more for me than the mountains
Don't pull me up in your
gilded balloon of hope
It will drop me when I
squirm
In faith belies a trust I've
yet to concede to
I've little patience for your
explanations
please set me free
It was never meant to be
I want to know how it
feels to fall
without the catch
Of the ever waiting
savior in white
Push me from your dreams
I'm not worth the sacrifice
Because after the loss
The letting go is harder to overcome.
Written: July 2, 2000
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Mystery
No one understands my feelings, my
words, my actions, my thoughts
You all think you know who I am, but who you really know is
an act, an escape from reality
You finally realize my act and ask to know me,
But when you meet me, you don't like me,
So what's the point I ask?
Who told you to be careful of those crazy ones out there,
when really you are crazy,
So don't come with your dispairs.
If life hands you an apple, make applesauce
Well I made a mess, so who will clean it up?
A disease can change your life,
Especially if it's not a disease,
No one recognizes it until it's way too late.
Don't complain that your perfect life is now imperfect.
Imperfection is only a reflection of the perfection we make
it to be.
Don't complain about your problems when they don't
exist.
I wish you wouldn't come to me, for every little cut.
You have the perfect life, but you want to know a
secret?
You is me, maybe you're not so perfect.
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One
Day
One day it will be me who's in
charge.
Some day, I will have control of my life.
I will be who I want to be.
No one will force me to be eternally unhappy.
After all, I can do that on my own.
Who cares what happened at home?
One day I will look back and
notice, it wasn't really that bad.
If I can ever do that, remind me I should.
In a lifetime I will create what is destined to become,
reality.
When I come first.
One day I will be noticed.
Before my brother, before my father, before my friends.
In years to come I will be in the spotlight.
No longer behind the scenes.
One day all my work and effort will
pay off.
The time I spend being perfect will do me good.
Until I realize, I'm not perfect, I can't be perfect.
Maybe I can actually be what I want, one day.
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Power
Staring into an empty sky,
I can't help but wonder why I missed this at home.
The city lights shade out the beauty of the world we live
in.
It is only when exposed to this unscathed beauty that I can
truly understand the world
If one star were to dissapear, I would feel the personal
loss.
When one ant dies, no one pays any mind
In a world in which people slowly morph into ants,
It is easy to lose sight of the lack of power with which we
are forced to reckon.
So I ask you to give in to nature,
Let it move you,
Let it become you.
For if you don't,
It will take you over before you can drive away from
it.
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Puppet
Show
I have attached the strings to my
arms and legs,
So let us begin
Emphatically move my arms so as not to worry anyone
Pretend the tears flowing down my cracked cheeks are rain
drops
Play in the rain before anyone begins to suspect
The permanent smile plastered on my face hides the years of
pain
No one will see the cuts on my arms
All they will see are the carefully sculpted forearms I
allow them to see
When suddenly my puppet drops to the floor
The show has ended
My muscles have collapsed
The charade has ended
I can no longer run this puppet show
The weakness has shown through
As I fall through the cracks
The audience can see my pain
The stares
The sighs
The inherent whispers
I can never again show my face
Because it was never meant to be seen.
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Reflection
How many hours have I wasted
Poking
Prodding
Plucking
Perfecting
This quiet time in front of the mirror,
Scrutinizing my every flaw.
This time of refelction,
A time to gain perspective,
But instead I gain more.
More body,
More pain,
More of a hole.
I dig myself deeper into my own reflection
Hoping that if I dig deep enough,I will come out the other
end.
Now I'm stuck in an endless tunnel of
Shame
Misery
Guilt
Regret
I want to know how I lost this much of my life
In a quiet moment of
Reflection
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Spew
Forth
Put me on some legal drugs
Take me by some legal thugs
And let me sit alone in pain
Doing it over again and again
As I watch you cry those endless tears
No way I can calm your fears
I'm weak, I'm small,
I've lost it all
Why can't I now
don't ask me how
I just don't know
It's working slow
So for the time
It's not a crime
To hate to love
To push to shove
To forget the feelings
No way of dealing
Spewing forth these endless words
No meaning, no thought, I'll just desert.
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Supposed To
Hampsters are supposed to die,
flowers are supposed to die,
bills are supposed to die,
batteries are supposed to die,
fish are supposed to die,
and pens are supposed to die,
but Mothers are not supposed to die.
Most importantly, my mother is not supposed to die.
My mother was supposed to help me plan my wedding.
My mother was supposed to coach me through pregnancy.
My mother was supposed to spoli her grandhcildren.
My mother was supposed to help me pick a career.
My mother was not supposed to die.
Sick people get cancer.
Old people get cancer.
Smokers get cancer.
Tanners get cancer.
Neighbors get cancer.
Friend's relatives get cancer.
Other people get cancer.
My mother does not get cancer.
My mother was not supposed to die.
No one will ever love me like that, not like my
mother.
No one will ever hug me like that, not like my mother.
No one will ever cause me pain like that, not like my
mother.
No one will ever know me like that, not like my mother.
No one can be like that, not like my mother.
My mother was not supposed to die.
Mothers do many things.
Mothers teach,
Mothers love,
Mothers worry,
Mothers do not die.
My mother was not supposed to die.
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What I
See
I see through your smile
Those poor unshed tears
I hear through your laughter
Those unearthéd fears
But soon you will notice you surely will break
Smiling and laughing for all other's sake
Why you must hide what truly you feel
Those things that you go through are certainly real
Oh dear how I pity the facade that you show
Well through your thick shield, I see and I know
Your pain and your struggle are not just your own
But those that surround you so you're not alone
My heart does cry for your difficult plight
Just know you've the courage to win this fight
I envy your strength and your ability to see
That this you that I speak of is actually me.
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Wishing for
You
If I could have but one wish for
you my dear,
It would be for you to love yourself as much as you love
others,
To help yourself as much as you help others.
My dear, the pain you cause yourself is too great to
ignore
Be true to yourself my dear,
For you may be all you have.
Realize who loves you, Who cares about you, and why you are
alive
Know it is not for others that you live,
It is for yourself
Don't hurt yourself my dear
It is you who means so much to me
At times, I wish I knew you better
I can only read your mind so far my dear.
Before I understand who it is you want to be
Why you live as you do
Why you are who you are.
If I could allow you to be but one thing my dear,
It would be happy
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